The Daily Gripe

In my senior year of high school, I had two classes that were very similar: AP Government and AP Comparative Government.  Both were taught by great teachers, Mr. Fish (whose favorite football team ironically is the Dolphins) and Mr. Gallagher respectively, both were AP classes, both talked about the structure of government, and both were very fun because they were interesting classes and I had a lot of my friends in them.  Though similar, every class period, both classes had a different way of starting.  Mr. Fish would do his `Good Things`, which is when students would have the chance to announce anything good that has happened recently.  Some were `I got accepted to college` or `My team just won the Super Bowl` or `Today is Friday'. Mr. Gallagher, following the spirit of being comparative, took a twist to Mr. Fish`s Good Things and started doing `The Daily Gripe`.  This was in essence the same thing as Good Things but instead, they were a chance for us students to take the first five minutes of class to complain.  Most of the times they were funny and helped us look at our real problems in a good light.  Both exercises were so different but both helped me to be more grateful for what I have.  Sometimes I would use the same thing for my Daily Gripe as I would for Good Things.  In Mr. Gallagher`s class my comment of `BYU is in the Final Four... OF THE LOSER NIT!` would turn into a good thing in Mr. Fish`s class `BYU is in the FINAL FOUR!!!!...*of the nit*`  Most of my mission I have shared my good things but in today`s e-mail I want to explore the other side side.  Welcome to my daily gripe.

My daily gripe today is this: this past week has been the hardest week of my life.  Last Saturday, we got our transfer calls a week early, even though we would transfer at the normal time.  Usually you have only three days from transfer calls until transfers but this time it was 10 days.  My companion has big problems with mission rules and is struggling to have faith.  He is a lot like the trainer in The Best Two Years, counting down the days before his mission ends and he can just be done, even though he has already quit working.  I half wanted us to stay together so I could help him but the same time I wanted someone who would work with me.  I got the call, he was staying and I was to get another old missionary and stay junior companion.  My new companion Elder Martini was my first district leader and while he tries and hasn`t lost his purpose, he isn`t super.  This week I felt like my time of hardship will just transform into something just as bad or just worse when I get my new companion this Tuesday.

 It has been hard this transfer, not knowing what to do and not being able to speak the language well at all so I couldn`t just do everything on my own.  It wouldn`t have been that effective anyways since God calls us to go two by two for a reason.  In planning he would leave everything up to me even though my only suggestion was to talk to people on the street which was something he refused to do.  When the choice is to go out and do everything by yourself, to be forced to lead when you don`t even know the city, and let your companion drag out language study or lunch, the easiest choice is clear.  I`ve honestly tried my best to go out but I haven`t been perfect.  While I have been studying the scriptures, my companion has used his tablet to read non-church materials and watch T.V.  I never thought I would have to stand up for my beliefs against a companion but I had to.  I have feared him ending his mission and going back home to land on the less active list but I fell helpless.  I have felt he is my investigator and not my companion most of the time.  I feel stuck between whether I should force him to work with me or whether I should be his friend in a time of need.  While this debate is going on I feel so guilty for not giving my all to get out and work.  It has been so hard to be away from family and friends doing nothing.  I didn`t sacrifice two years to push an old elder out the door.

It has been a really humbling experience.  I read e-mails from my friends back home now out on missions about how they are baptizing, speaking fluently, and speak of great lessons and I just feel so crappy, so helpless, such a failure.  I look around the mission as my friends from the MTC go district leader or senior or the Lord trusts them enough to train while I am stuck carrying dead weight elders on my back when I don`t know what is going on.  It is so frustrating.  Why me I sometimes ask, why now?  I can`t speak Japanese for crap and I can`t be obedient for crap in my situation either.  I am trying so hard because I know that when I give up, I will be that one being dragged around against my will, rationalizing why I am not doing my best or anything at all.  In this state of guilt, despair, hopelessness, and grief with no light at the end my of tunnel, I read the letters I got while ago in the MTC.  I don`t know what is was, maybe the hope, the confidence I had back then, that made me tear up as I read the strengthening and uplifting words of encouragement.  `You are doing great, keep doing what is right and follow the Lord.  He will not let you fail.`  It was then I remembered my Savior and remembered how much he has done for me.

On this Easter, I am truly grateful for the Savior`s love.  In many times this past transfer when I have felt I can`t dendo or leading us to a less-active will kill me emotionally, physically and spiritually, when I have felt I am not fulfilling my purpose or am not worthy to, I have felt my Savior`s love for me and for my companion as I push forward.  As I write that e-mail to an investigator in that language of kanji, as I stop people on the street and invite them to church, as I plan commitments and the lessons to be planned around them for our few investigators.  Sometimes I would fail and let my companion get the best of me.  But there are many times in these past six weeks as I have struggled, as I have chosen the right path, even though it was the harder one, and I have felt an indescribable force pushing me.  Sometimes I think it is the prayers of loved ones back home, other times I feel like it is angels and those in my family who have passed on, and sometimes I feel like it is Christ himself taking his time to help me just get out that door.  Whatever it is, I have been blessed in this time of hardship.  Who knows how long I will see other missionaries seeing baptisms, learning languages, teaching good lessons to progressing investigators and gaining the respect of members before I will but someday I will.

Even though this week has been so hard, I have come through it with the undeniable truth that Christ lives and loves us each individually.  He died for us but most importantly, some 2000 years ago, he was resurrected and still lives for us.  Whenever we have fallen and wonder if we ever can get back up, whenever we are hopeless and doubtful, there is always a hand stretched out for us to grab, a hand with the imprints of nails.  I bear my testimony that Christ today lives and that like those apostles after his death, we will one day see Him for ourselves and that we can feel his saving influence in our lives as we turn to him for strength and the enabling power of his perfect and infinite Atonement daily.

I love you all and I know that Christ is there for you to always.  Happy Easter!